Cereal Killers: Product Mascots' Criminal Records, by Tim "X"
Report filed by author Adie Bishop, 8 November 2007

    Ever wonder about what mascots do off the clock? More specifically, ever
wonder about what cereal mascots do, when they're not loud and proud, in your face, attempting to
convince you to buy that overly sugared, overly priced, malted high in that brightly colored cardboard box.
Well, wonder no more.
burning questions about "cereal offenders, snack-break sociopaths, family feast felonries, pantry raiders,
games, gadgets, gizmos, governmental gangsters and fast food fakes, frauds, and fugitives," and all in
only twenty pages.

    They started out innocently enough, the cookie loving, best-baking Keebler Elves (aka the "Keebler
Klan"), with their dimples and cute, pointy ears, but don't be fooled; another group of elves, the bounty-
hunting Snap, Crackle, and Pop Krispie, are going after the big bake: the Doughboy himself. And who
could be cuter than the Swiss Miss, or the Snuggle Bear? What about Dolly Madison or the Taco Bell
Chihuahua?

    What could be cuter? How about a Swede running international gambling rings, packing her
enemies "full of bullet holes like Swiss cheese" and escaping from prison; a slave trader; or a "cushy-tush
[ed]" S&M addict?

    Don't worry, there's more. Lots more. Before you buy another box of cereal or snack cakes, before
you stop at another Chuck E. Cheese, buy this book and inform yourself. If you know about the debauchery
going on behind closed General Mills factory doors, you, too, can help stop the madness.

    This was a great read, and I must note that the cover design, the back mirroring a cereal box
"information" label, was an added bonus.

*Tim "X" 's true name has been changed in this article to protect his identity, in accordance with a federal
court order.

Adie Bishop is the author of three books: Search 26; Tie Rose...and Other Works, A Short Story
Anthology; and Rock A Bye.
For more information, please visit her website: Adie Bishop on MySpace.
Article Copyright 2007 by Adie Bishop. Used with permission.
All contents Copyright 2006-2011 by Tim "X"
ITEM
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