Author’s Shocking Exposé Reveals Iconic Crime
Report filed by author Ash Krafton, 12 October 2007
Cap’n Crunch. Mr. Clean. The Burger King.
Their names are well-known, their faces instantly recognizable. They are harmless cartoons and
caricatures, created to attract customers and promote items. The public knew very little about the people
behind the faces. Until now.
Just as celebrities, athletes and politicians fall from iconic grace to wallow in the muck of the
tabloids and The Jerry Springer Show, so have they fallen.
Corrupted by money and fame, lured into lurid half-lives of crime and decay, these innocent
portrayals of man and beast never belied their shocking secrets, which are, at last, revealed.
America may never be the same.
Tim “X”* admits he took a terrifying risk in order to obtain research for his new book,
"CEREAL KILLERS: Product Mascots’ Criminal Records". He engaged in a perilous operative when he
went underground to infiltrate the businesses and social circles of people such as Patrick “Lucky”
Charms, and Michel Grenouille, better known as Dig’Em the Frog.
His undercover work has resulted in unsettling revelations. While parents have known for decades
that “junk food is bad for you”, until now no one knew exactly how bad it actually is.
“I don’t know why he would put us all through this,” sobbed his mother from an undisclosed
location. “All those years he spent, hanging around with criminals…he knew I didn’t approve. I never
bought cereal with marshmallows for my family. I wanted a better diet and a better life for my son!”
A comment from his brother revealed that at times Mr. “X” appeared to be in danger of getting lost
in the role he played as minor thug and gopher for some of the biggest names in marketing. “He said he
was working at General Mills, but I knew better. He’d come home with white powder on his face and shirt.
Sugar, my [expletive deleted].”
His risks have paid off, but at a steep price: the cover has finally been blown for these treacherous
characters, and Mr. “X” has been forced into protective custody after a three-week stint in rehabilitation.
Children across America have been seduced since birth by the media portrayals of such figures
as Trix “Silly” Rabbit and the Keebler Elves. The nation’s innocents have unwittingly become
accomplices in the crimes committed by Kool-Aid Man and Tony the Tiger as they urge their parents to
pour their hard-earned money into their dastardly enterprises, through the false fronts of breakfast food
and household item marketing.
Despite the horrific revelations made in Mr. “X” ’s book, support for these snack food icons will be
hard to quash. Cries for amnesty can be heard in the breakfast food aisle of supermarkets nationwide.
A scene was witnessed Saturday in Boise at a Wal-Mart Supercenter, as a typical outbreak
occurred. “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” chanted a four-year-old protestor, in a rallying cry of support for
Sonny “Cocoa” Puffs, who is currently being treated in a maximum security psychiatric ward in Vermont,
according to Mr. “X” ’s publication.
“Gimme prize! Gimme prize!” called his younger sister as their mother struggled to keep them
restrained with shopping cart seat belts.
Despite her apparent disapproval of her children’s display, a glance at the contents of her
shopping cart revealed the mother may not be as anti-supportive as one would believe. Among her
purchases were spotted items marketed by the Jolly Green Giant, a major supplier of marijuana, and
Charlie Tuna, a vicious despot who enjoys torturing his own people.
Apparently, no one in America is safe from the disease these icons have spread.
*Tim “X” ’s true name has been changed in this article to protect his identity, in accordance with a federal
court order.
Ash Krafton is the author of "Bleeding Hearts", which has been awarded Grand Prize in the Maryland
Writers' Association 2008 contest, as well as first place in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy category.
Her follow-up is entitled "Bloodied Hopes".
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